Embracing Change

Yesterday, our outlet grocery store changed hands.

That 11,000 square foot building housed our apartment that was our first love nest. It was where I burned cornbread and pea soup exploded onto the ceiling. Where my poor husband first witnessed my strange sleep habits, such as trying to convince him there were varmints in the bed.

It was where we had silly squabbles and then made up with a coffee smoothie and a Planet Earth marathon.

Where I draped myself over the box of K-mart clothing I was pricing and wanted to weep, believing I would never have the courage to write again.

Where we began talking about having a family, and we found out I was expecting: me all red-faced and stammering while holding up the positive pregnancy test; him glowing and grinning from ear-to-ear

I almost died in that love nest, when straight-line winds shattered the window of our apartment and sent glass hurtling through the air like knives, slicing into the couch cushions where I’d been writing moments before.

I wrote two and half books in that 11,000 square foot building. I mixed 100 batches of granola. Priced banana boxes crammed with 3,000 canned goods. For three years scoured toilets and wiped down sinks other people had dirtied (but I wore yellow Playtex gloves).

I lost myself in that building, and yet discovered that by surrendering to the fact that my life wasn’t turning out the way I had expected, I found my dreams anew.

My belly bowed with my unborn child and my arms draped with a rainbow of sweaters, I finished packing my Jeep with our belongings and followed my husband’s Jeep out to our land.

Together, we settled into our new love nest, and as our magnum opus grew in my womb, I wrote a story that was so graced in its telling, I knew it needed to be told.

Snow covered the field in front of our mountain home. And as daffodils pushed their way through the frosted crust, it was time for another change; it was time for rebirth again.

We introduced our daughter to the world and trembled, praying we had the ability to nurture her through life’s hardships and to also keep her safe.

For months we were both sleep-deprived and enraptured, as newly born as our newborn child.

And then, suddenly, miraculously, she was one—tugging clothes from her dresser drawers, eating with two hands, and beeping the horn of her “salvage title” Little Tikes car (it came in our store) while giving me her father’s ear-to-ear grin.

Today, the field is a sheet of white outside our home. My daughter slumbers in her bed with her plump, stocking feet thrust through the slats, where I rubbed them until she nodded off and I could spider-walk out the door.

My husband is at our store that is no longer our store. He is moving banana boxes of our belongings, getting us ready for transition.

Though I am scared of change (abhor it, really), looking at what I have written, I realize that if I had not overcome my fear of marriage, I would not have my husband who is both my anchor and my sails.

If I had not overcome my fear of parenting, I would not have a child who nestles beneath my chin and thaws my heart with her breath.

And so, I will not kick against the current of change, but will allow it to sweep over me and direct me in the way I should go.

For a life fully controlled is a life devoid of adventure, and what great stories were ever spawned through that?

Do you kick against change like I do or embrace it?


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Comments

  1. Jolina, this is beautiful!!! I, too, struggle with change, but looking back at the outcome always makes the change worth it, just wish I knew that going into it sometimes. I look forward to reading more about this current season of your life, just think of all the memories you already have in your house with SO many more to come!

    • You are an adventurer for sure, Sarah! You blog trotter you! :) Thanks for your kind words; when it comes to life shifts, I am really just a big chicken!

  2. I tend to be a kicker against change but have more recently been prodded to again release my grip. I’m excited about your new journey and I’m looking forward to hearing about it more in depth!

    • We just have to give it all over to Him who made us and who knows the paths our lives are to take. Still, I am such a kicker! Can’t wait to share more about my inward journey. Book club! :)

  3. Paige Crutcher says:

    Beautiful post! So inspiring and lovely. Your writing always takes my breath away.

  4. Both! Change is so scary but when looking back, it can be so worth the initial pain. Embrace it, my dear, and because of your sunny outlook on life, it can only be for the good.

    Speaking of change, I’m a cruddy blog friend. You’ve changed your blog look and I had no idea. I love it and you look so darn professional. :)

    xo

    • Thank you for the encouragement, Hallie. I agree…we must embrace change! Adventure makes life fun, anyway. And thank you for your kind words about the website. I love it too! :)

  5. i do like change and adventure, but do not like certain things changing …like someone changing their mind about loving me, or someone deciding that i dont need that job that i thought i needed anymore, or a trusted friend deciding that they are not my friend anymore, and then on the other hand, i also wish some things would change more quickly like my single status, and things like not yet having kids, and human trafficking being brought to a halt, and destruction of sin letting go of my loved ones, so change to me must always be taken in context…and more trust is definitely required. :)

  6. Thank you for sharing your journey, sweet Charla. I completely agree that change is only an adventure when the change is welcome. But then, sometimes when we look back we are able to see how God’s hand was leading and guiding us even when we weren’t sure where we were at the time. Praying for you, sister. You are a mult-faceted jewel. Thanks for sharing your light with us.

  7. Hi Jolina! I’ve seen you around the comments of several blogs I frequent, so I thought I’d come by to say hello. And what a beautiful, poignant post. So well written, and so honest. I really liked it, and will definitely be back.

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