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Though We See Through A Glass, Darkly

Though We See Through A Glass, Darkly

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

I stood at the sink, washing dishes. Wind and sunlight swept through the open windows. Outside, a pileated woodpecker tipped the bird feeder as he ferociously dug for seeds.

My youngest daughter was in her high chair; my oldest was in the booster, eating lunch. Both mirrored the contentment I felt. My husband came inside from the barn and began prepping his second bowl-sized cup of coffee.

He came to stand beside me and looked out the window. He touched my shoulder and said, “We’re blessed.”

I reared back from his words. My heart clenched. I immediately thought, “Don’t say that; we’re too close to your scans.”

The foundation of my faith better resembled superstition. To admit that we were blessed felt, in my mind, to entice just the opposite.

To cause God to stop and pause—to look down through the screen of clouds at our idyllic family—and say, as if a new version Job, “Have you considered my servant, Jolina?”

I continued washing dishes. I wiped down the countertop and swept the floor. All the while, I pondered why I didn’t believe God wanted good things for our family. Why I didn’t—and couldn’t—trust.

Like a father who delves out punishment, and a mother who delves out gifts, God and Jesus each had their roles, and I could not comprehend that they loved me the same.

I had no trouble believing Jesus wanted good things for our family. I had no trouble believing Jesus was one I could trust. However, the same did not go for his father.

Father God was not the one who nurtured my spirit when times got tough; instead, he was one who orchestrated the tough times as recompense for all the bad things I did.

Last night, three days after I began analyzing my unhealthy viewpoint of God, my husband and I had another young couple over for supper.

The four of us sat on the front porch after our girls were in bed. We ate peach pie for dessert and talked about our spiritual journeys as the birds returned to their nests and the windmill creaked in the dark.

Though talkative to a fault, I hesitantly told them about my own journey: about growing up on a Christian camp, my parents’ ardent faith slowly becoming my own, my dear friend’s death, my best friend’s cancer, and my husband’s emergency craniotomy eight weeks after we moved away from our families.

That is when I understood: every time I’ve walked through a hardship, I’ve also walked closer to God.

He doesn’t give me hardships out of punishment. He gives me hardships out of love, because he knows that unless I walk through hardships on this earth, I will never be ready to meet him face to face.

The revelation unclenched my heart. I knew that I could trust my father God, just as I could trust his son. And that, regardless of the outcome of my husband’s brain scans and tests, God and Jesus will walk with me every step of the journey, and one day – though I now peer through the glass darkly – I will clearly see the perfect trinity’s heart and plan.

Have you ever walked through a hardship and then later saw how God turned it for good?

Comments

  • I have been there. It’s not a good place, that place where you cower and wonder what else God is going to hurl at you for your many sins.

    I was there a couple years ago, after I had the twins. I was sinking (I believed under God’s punishment), and I couldn’t crawl out. It wasn’t until I realized that I wasn’t seeing God as He is that things began to turn around.

    This verse freed me: Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” It began to dawn on me: I am in Christ, who took my punishment long ago. I am free…as long as I trust His love.

    When I finally began timidly trusting that He wasn’t chasing me down over sins I was begging Him to cleanse me of, the bad things that were weighing me down began to disappear. Someday I might tell you in detail, but the story is amazing.

    Trust His love. Revel in it; Jesus said “I and my Father are one.” The blood that Jesus spilled for you broke the Father’s heart, and it was done very purposefully – so your heart could be healed.

    Love you, and thanks for such a revealing post.

    May 18, 2015
  • That’s confirmation, Rebekah. The woman who was at our house on Saturday night shared the very same message with me that you just wrote above. Our meeting was definitely divinely ordained, and I’m so grateful that God loves me enough to put people in my life who can help me better understand His heart and plan! What a personal God we serve!

    May 18, 2015
    • “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
      And grace my fears relieved;
      How precious did that grace appear
      The hour I first believed.

      May 21, 2015
  • Oh, Jolina, this is such a beautiful post. That quote from Corinthians is my favorite quote from the Bible. (It’s even in my first novel.) I don’t fault you for feeling scared after the previous months; anyone would. But I don’t believe illness is a punishment from God. Would you make one of your kids sick? Of course not. No more would God. Some things just happen, because we live in a human world of effects. (I personally think all the rampaging in the Old Testament is over-rated.)
    It’s good to trust in God’s goodness.

    May 18, 2015
  • Anonymous

    Content to Trust
    Eye hath not seen, ear hath not heard,
    Nor entered into heart of man,
    The things that God delights to plan
    For those who take Him at His word.
    Now through a frosted pane we trace
    The outline of His perfect will,
    Content to trust His love until
    We know and see Him face to face.
    ~Amy Carmichael

    The Lord closed Hannah’s womb to draw her to Himself because He loved her and desired to birth Samuel the prophet through her. God used Hannah (1 Sam. 1) to help me understand His love and how unlike our love it is. May you be blessed abundantly through whatever circumstances God brings/allows in your life for His glory! If you trust Him then you shall be blessed in His perfect timing!

    May 19, 2015
  • Betty Petersheim

    Yes Jolina, I sure have and I will never be the same. I am so grateful for what my loving Heavenly Father has trusted me to go through. He believed in me enough to allow me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He believed in me enough to know I wouldn’t stop or give up. The abundant fruit in my life and the life of my children proves His love for me. He alone, knows what it takes for me to forsake all to follow HIM! Thanks again for sharing from your heart, it has touched mine. Love You!

    May 19, 2015
    • Thanks, Mom-in-love, love you, too. So glad God orchestrated everything to put your family in my life! And I’m also grateful for the journey we’ve all been on together. We will never be the same, and I am thankful!

      May 19, 2015
  • Leaning on and into your words today. On the fun side I got a kick out do ‘another young couple’ and considered what category I might fall into if I came to visit. 🙂
    On the more serious side. I will have to ponder the comings and goings of painful process, of being thrown into the fire to be cleansed and refined. Purified And strengthened.
    I prefer to lean into those words that God can bring good out of the darkest of situations for those who love and serve him and there is no doubt that is what you and Randy do a thousand different ways for those you love. And for the world through your stories. Peace and prayers my friend.

    May 19, 2015
  • I’ve had the same trust issues this past year. During all of this a woman much wiser than me said that sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what He loves. Just hearing that was a reminder that our struggles are not in vain. Thinking of you often.

    May 21, 2015
  • I so so love this and wish I could hug you and make you a cup of tea. Thanks for sharing this.

    June 3, 2015

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